500 chances for inspiration. You might not like all of the tables, but you should find ideas to help push your design.
UPDATE: I can’t believe that so many people wrote a caption for the this photo. Truly impressive. Well, here’s the one I liked best and the winner of the contest. It made me laugh. From “woodzealot:” Last person in the shop each day must, must, must remember to plug in the Paolini before leaving so it’s fully charged the next day.
Thanks to everyone who wrote something. Since this was such a big hit, I’ll dig up another photograph and we can give a go again soon. – Matt
Here’s how to win a copy 500 Tables (Lark Books, 2009). Write a caption for the picture below. It’s a photograph that I took of Gregory Paolini recently. Your caption can be humerous or serious, but keep it nice. Greg graciously agreed to let me use this photo and I don’t want him to regret that decision. (Note: If you are mean, I’ll delete your post.)
Write your caption in the comments section below. The deadline is Friday, May 14 at 5:00 pm (Eastern). I’ll pick the one I like best and send the book to the winning author. I’ll make the announcement on Monday, May 17. Good luck! (Note: I’ve extended the deadline.)
A note about safety: The router was not on at the time I took this picture. It wasn’t even plugged in. Greg was simply modeling for a moment while I was getting everything ready to begin shooting for real. That’s why he isn’t wearing any safety items (glasses and hearing protection), and why he isn’t looking at the router.
| More on router jigs & tricks: • Five Essential Router-Table Jigs in Action • Rock-Solid Router Table  • Routing with a Template |
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500 chances for inspiration. You might not like all of the tables, but you should find ideas to help push your design.
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Write your own caption. If I think your's is the best, you'll win a copy of 500 Tables (Lark Books, 2009).
Comments
Wow. Greg's looking pretty bored with his Bosch. I wonder what's going through his mind?
"(Sigh) Another day, another 500 leg mortises. How much longer before lunchtime?"
And I was sooo careful...
"I know I laid those paperclips somewhere on the coffee table!"
I shaved my head, just like Matt, and he STILL gets all the women. What am I doing wrong? It's the beard, isn't it? I look too much like Mark McGwire...
Woodworking is known to be a stress reliever to many hobbyists, as evidenced by Gregory Paolini looking in a catatonic state as he massages the handles of his router.
Oooh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wei..., wait, how does that song go?
One Down.....Just 499 to go.
Don't hate me just because I'm pretty.
Cheers --- Larry
This is not a router it's an F1 car and I'm shooting the Chicane at Monaco...no, wait...I'm the great wamp-rat slayer Luke Skywalker running his final run on the trench of the Death Star with Darth Vader in pursuit...Luke, use the force...shut-up old man I'm trying to shoot!
"Gee, if only I had the skills to do this with hand tools, maybe I wouldn't be so bored."
Looks like Santa in the summer. Shaved head to stay cool, and 6 more months of toy building...
I know that sweet spot is around here somewh....Ooooh yeah
What's he thinking??? Hmmm... What's Mona Lisa smirking about??? Hmmm... Will we ever really know????
Maybe he’s just mesmerized by the Guinness poster hanging on the shop wall in front of him?
This kind of reminds me of the Willie Nelson look-a-like contest, where the real Willie placed third :)
Visualization Technique: The woodworker sees with his mind's eye the passes he will take - each successively deeper than the next. He sees his router moving straight and true and knows his work will not suffer from burning or chip out. In essence - See the cut, be the router.
- Router Zen Master Gregory Paolini
Geez, this router's bigger than my head.
Time challenged? Learn to route while sleepwalking.
Well... at least he's not texting too...
Greg tries out the new, revolutionary Hypnorouter. It works.
The Wife always has "just one more" project... So much for my relaxing Weekend...
Hum, I really miss Norm and all his routers.
"I had a strange sensation, a tingling that arose in my feet and traveled up to my head, and I felt as though I were suddenly released from my body and as pure spirit, partook of a loveliness I had never conceived. I had a sense that a knowledge more than human possessed me, so that everything that had been confused was clear and everything that had perplexed me was explained."
- Gregory Paolini at a recent photo shoot
Mmm . . . The smell of a Bosch. Puts me in the mood for Beck's and brautworst.
Please excuse that I was not able to spellcheck brautworst.
And now I take my routah with the harlf inch mautising bit and ... Hey, do you think I could really be ADD? ...plow out the mautise.
I wish Matt would just get his camera set up already, my arms are getting tired. Oh, now instead of setting up his camera the joker is taking pictures for a caption contest...Matt is so hard to work with.
Hubiedoo517:
Hey. No quoting Larry from The Razor's Edge! However, you do get credit for quoting good literature.
--Matt
"I dreamed a dream, when time gone by...."
"Boy that Susan Boyles' got a set of lungs on her!"
Dang, did I pay that electricity bill?
Clockwise??..counterclockwise??
Gregory Paolini cuts a mortise during this weekends first annual "Power woodworking with the visually impaired" event.
I can't even look - I know it's ruined
I really miss my router plane
To think,I could have been a "DANCER!!!"
Hee hee i cant believe there paying me .
Another Mortise, Another Morris Chair, Another Day, wait what I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Seriously, all the cool stuff in my shop and you want my picture with this router?
Wait... what's the rule? Go 'round clockwise, counter-clockwise? Do the end grains first? 20 years doing this and I still can't remember!
Gee, If I only had a CNC.
I wonder if my whole head needs protection? Let's see,
goggles, head phones, respirator and oh yea maybe a pith helmet.
I've made this tenon cut so many times I can do it in my sleep.
I'll get to the plunge cut in a minute. I need to rest after lifting this big router up onto the work piece.
I should have listened to my mother and pursued a career in door to door sales. At least then I wouldn't be stuck inside of my workshop building furniture all day long. I mean, this router is okay I guess, but a brief case and a name tag, that is something to get excited about! Mother is always right...
That router sales lady was sooOOOooo pretty. . .
Setup complete, I wonder what I will look like with all that safety gear on me; where can I find a girl who thinks woodworking is sexy - you know - the "she thinks my tractor's sexy" kida thing...
Let's assume this is an add for the Bosch router. The add may say something like "Bosch XGen, the next generation of routers, Do it in your sleep."
have fun
A VERY LUCKY MAN INDEED PAYS NO ATTENTION TO WHATHE'S DOING AND STILL HAS ALL HIS FINGERS
A VERY LUCKY MAN INDEED PAYS NO ATTENTION TO WHAT HE'S DOING AND STILL HAS ALL HIS FINGERS
I know I can't enter this giveaway but I couldn't resist:
"Another example of exquisite craftsmanship could be found towards the end of the tour, where Madame Tussaud's skilled sculptors have delivered a stunning rendition of Fine Woodworking contributor Greg Paolini. The wax likeness is accurate down to the last eyebrow hair and the reproduction workshop smells of linseed oil and sawdust."
Cheers,
Ed
sounds interesting
MKenny:
Doh, Busted!!! I knew I should have went with the Homer Simpson quote.
Greg pauses because in the midst of the project he sees it on display at the Smithsonian.
AHH Damn!
I'll just call the lady and tell her it will take 2 weeks instead of two days.And if she ask why, I'll tell her I needed a special router bit that was out of stock at the Home Depot. Yeah, that should go right!
Fire Photon Torpedoes! Fire! Fire!
The smell and feel of wood, whether I work it with hand tools or machines, puts me into a kind of trance. I see the finished product in every step, and can’t stop working until I complete the project.
Ahhh...Hmmmm...Ahhhh...Hmmmm...Ahhhh...Hmmmm....
I wonder if Matt lied to me when he said this was for the cover of GQ.
"The force is for weiners, just give me more power and a good round-over bit."
Routing is kinda like Grandma's dairy farm back home... a firm grip and just the right motion and you're done in no time.
Hmm...is this mortise going to be an innie or an outie?
Rush hour's daydreamer
hmmmm....maybe it will go faster if I turn it on.
I wonder if i can control the router with my mind? Right what was i doing again..
Hmmm, let's see, router, wood...I know I'm forgetting something. What would Norm do?
Tell me again. Why I didn't stay in school?
I wonder how long it would take to build all 500 tables.
Not too slow; it burns.
Not too fast; it chips.
Clockwise on the inside,
Counter on the outer.
Don't forget the safety gear.
Calming breath. Enjoy.
Motion in Poetry
Last person in the shop each day must, must, must remember to plug in the Paolini before leaving so it's fully charged the next day.
"Ex-pensive afterthoughts De-Pfeiled by power tools."
"Ex-pensive afterthoughts De-Pfeiled by power tools."
"The journey of 500 tables begins with a single rout."
"The journey of 500 tables begins with a single rout."
"Some day I will rise above the Norm."
"Hand tools and planes get the cold shoulder."
"She had the loveliest crotch mahogany."
"My head's in OSB, but my heart's in walnut."
"My measurements may be off by a few hairs."
"Ex-pensive afterthoughts de-Pfeiled by power tools."
"Some day I will rise above the Norm."
"She had the loveliest crotch mahogany."
"The journey of 500 tables begins with a single rout."
"My head's in OSB, but my heart's in walnut."
"Hand tools and planes get the cold shoulder."
"Some day I will rise above the Norm."
"Hand tools and planes get the cold shoulder."
My head's in OSB, but my heart's in walnut."
The journey of 500 tables begins with a single rout."
"She had the loveliest crotch mahogany."
"I know that I am missing something."
Should I tell her that I love her?
A router's route to blindness.
"I am getting sick and tired of the neighbors kids putting up posters of Lady Gaga in here..."
"WHAT IS THAT? A monkey-squirrel? Hrmmm...Thought I'd seen everything."
"What should I contribute as a caption for that Fine Woodworking caption contest?"
"I know Matt didn't just take a photo of me before I was ready for him to."
Contemplating the Next Great Masterpiece!
This board is too thin for this big router, maybe I could build a router table first, and then finish this project...
Gregory and his router share a special moment.
Is it time to go home yet!
Hurry up and wait ! Hurry up and wait !.... Hurry up...
pattern routing? Look up--chin up--relaxxxxxx-feel the flow--look at what your copying--that's it--.......damit!!!
Maybe one day I'll be editor of Fine Woodworking magazine??? Then things will change!!!
How many times have you placed your router on your workpiece and realized you need more support under the router for stability?
Keep your eyes on the road, keep your hands on the wheel........now, if I can just reach that switch with my toe...
Meandering minds often lose sight of the task at hand.
"There gotta be an easier way to make bedding for my ferret."
after testing the new router bit on his scalp, Greg decides to shave a little wood too!
I can't wait to watch the hockey game tonight. I sure hope Montreal wins.
hmmm , i wonder what's for supper?
The new Bosch softstart feature is an impressive safety measure. Designed for the novice woodworker, the tool will not start until the finger is released from the softstart lever. This gives ample time for the operator to consider all avenues of safety... and what to have for lunch.
"We spent the entire night talking and making love...
'Round 3 am we went to the Empire Diner for some comfort food...
and then... well back to my place for some more "desert" Yummm!
I can still smell the scent of her. It wafts gently in the air filling
my mind with visions of her silken skin that glistened in the moonlight
gently beaming through the window onto her body as she lay there
glowing on those satin sheets.
Why oh Why did the daylight have to tear us apart...
I just can't seem to keep my mind on this job.
'But that's because tonight.. well tonight;
we plan to do it all again..... Yummmmmmmm."
P.S. "I wonder if she wants kids?"
Oh well. One day at a time I guess. ..... [ drifting off again..... ]
I work to live, but work with wood to enjoy life.
I wonder what the wife and kids are doing right now?
I know that she will appreciate this kitchen island when I am done.
My wife is great! She lets me buy a new toy for every new project I start for the house. This will be special project - just for her.
"One instinctively knows when something is right..." aka "I don't need no stinking jig"....
I wonder what I could buy next for the shop if I win the Power Ball lottery tonight?
Train some termites or use this router.
Old Russian saying: "If I pretend to work, they will pretend to pay me."
Hmm.... I wonder if this is the biggest router i can get...
"You know how to whistle don't ya Steve? You just put your lips together and blow." That was when Greg figured out he was going to have to stop watching old Bogart movies in the shop if he was ever going to get any work done.
This is going to be very noisy, could be dangerous and very dusty. It took me forever to set up and I still have to get my safety gear on. Maybe it is time to switch to hand tools.
So smooooth.....Cuts like butter!
I wonder if other woodworking models started this way?
Maybe "I" will make the cover this time..
"Greg tries out the new Playstation control for woodworkers..."
Are We Having Fun Yet!!
"Gee When I Grow-Up, Maybe They Will Let Me Turn It On"
Here Iam in my fighter plane; zooming over the enemy
"my happy place"
I rather be sanding
See Honey, I told you that this new router wouldn't create a mess.
Yes Greg, I did say it helps to visualise your cut beforehand. You can stop it now and focus man, focus.
I bet Norm never had to do this. If I were famous, I would have a double for scene setup.
Ok Greg we're ready to go.... Greg....Greg..... GREG!
Did I really agree to do this..
Rabbets? I remember once......
monastery finds new karma in silent machines
Greg looks like he is pining:
"If only I was using my hand tools."
Ever since the accident, Gregory was happy just to hold a power tool.
Gosh. When Barack offered me a "cabinet job", I kinda expected something a litle different.
"I can't believe I just routed the wrong side of 20 parts"
Look Mom, without looking!
Don't do what I'm doing!
... I knew I should have built a really cool tool cabinet before FWW got here!
"Hmm-m. Reminds my of my dog -- who's leading who?"
Since making OSB with handplanes was such a success, I bet this new venture using a router to make MDF will be even more successful.
ohhhh I WANTED THAT BOOK.....
ohhh I WANTED THAT BOOK.......
Hand-held routers can produce some of the most rewarding results in your wood shop.
Greg explains to the class that when using a router, you must have a comfortable grip on it, with both hands.
(dreaming:) ".....and down to the last lap, Paolini in the in the Fine Woodworking Fiesta is leading the pack at Taladega..."
Sleep-Routing....The surest sign of a devoted woodworker.
Just as Greg was about to pull the trigger, He had a revelation "Wow, Maybe I could be Norm's replacement?"
And then when she looked at me with those ¼”dado slit eyes, I knew she was the one.
I just woke up and found I had bullnosed my head!
Can I really fall asleep with my eyes open?
I'd rather be fishing!
Look at the shape of those legs ............table legs
OK, I turn on the router, and the first one who blinks loses.
Please wait while Gregquest calculates your rout.
Roy Underhill is still my hero!
Focus on router safety.
"Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays."
OK, I lost my paycheck at the bar at lunch, what am I going to tell the misses? Maybe I can get a loan from the boss.
I wish he would hurry up and take the picture so that I can put on my safety glasses and plugs and get back to work.
Router Romance
This could be tricky
Did I leave the iron on?
Did I leave the iron on?
This could be tricky.
"Donuts or Cherry Danish for break-time?"
Do as I say, not as I do.
Greg contemplates whether to route the perfect mortise or get a hair cut.
1) "What am I forgetting?"
2) "It's hard to get motivated on Monday's."
3) "Only eight hours 'til quitting time......"
"I love the sound (and smell) of my router in the morning"....If only I had 10 more routers...I do have 10 more projects...it could be one new one for each of them!
Wow; the vibration of this router is making me so sleepy.
Router vibration feels goooooood
I use to have long hair until I bent down to see my work.
Turn to page 32 to see the gruesome after photo in our series "20 Reasons Why Daydreaming and Power Tools Don't Mix"
Greg really likes the simple and clean roundover look on all his projects.
I'm pretty sure I heard my wife calling me...she must have finished my "honey to do" list...if I turn on the router back on I can put off the inevitable for a little while longer!
Scientists prove EMF from Routers causes hair loss.
Follow up headline ....
Man sues Router manufacturer for 20 million dollars over hair loss.
And she's a woodworker too!
Don't I look good.
After finishing up with a flush trim bit on his crown, Greg sets the depth for his plunge cut mortise and double checks his cut list.
...I remember the hair days...who put those safety glasses over there....?
Do they really put chicken parts in hot dogs?
Hmmm, the directions say to move counterclockwise but my mortise is only as wide as the bit?
"I really should't be watching Ellen while working in the shop...but Heide Klum really lights my fire"
It's amazing, I really can't hear my wife at all with this thing running........
En rout to disaster! Safety rule number 1: Keep your mind on the task at hand.
I'd rather be welding...
Router $249, Making beautiful profiles, priceless.
I'd rather be knitting....
Pre-passion Contemplation
Did I miss a turn somewhere while I was napping..?
Oh drat, did she say she liked the Roman Ogee of the Coved pattern??!!
Nothing happens , but first a dream.
"I'm having daydreams about wood things, in the middle of the afternoon".......
Now if both sides are 7/8 th's and the bit is set at 3 /16th's and if I leave room for expansion , did I take into account 2 sides or all four ?
Measure twice ,cut once.
The feel of this machine reminds me of my first date, sweeeeet!
No wonder the Amish charge so much for their furniture.
So many projects ... so little time
While meditating one afternoon, Gregory recalls a most spiritual woodworkers mantra: "hmmm...to stay single or to marry? ... should I take the plunge?"
Imagine what I could do with a CNC!
459 mortises to go, 459 mortises to go, route one down...........
This lever is supposed to stabilize the rear deflectors...until this battle station is fully operational, we are vulnerable.
Ya just gotta love this new autopilot add on feature for routers.
A masters craft can sometimes be seen in the glint of his eye and the ease of his motion...
The router will follow your mind: Let your mind wander and the router is sure to follow.
WOW.....That is some good pot!!!
Did I leave the iron on?
If you can Dream IT, You can Do IT !
..I'm sitting on a white horse, the maiden is struggling with 2 ne'er-do-wells, I shout "unhand her"! They turn and look my way....
Dum-dee-dee-dee-dum-dum, huh? Where was I?
It was the first of 500 small pieces needed for the order. "I'm going to miss the Ellen Degeneres Show tonight," he mumbled to himself. Even before he cut the first one, Greg was dreaming -- wantonly, longingly -- of using the shaper he almost bought just days prior. This was moments before his trusty, old plunge router, seething with jealousy, ripped across the benchtop and out the shop door. With Greg's arms still attached.
Photo caption:
"Lover or craftsman woodworker."
I guess I really should have gone fishing.
Hmmm, did I remember to shave before this photo shoot?
Please let this reverse spiral bit stimulate hair renewal.
Why yes Matt, I too am amazed I still have all my all 10 of my fingers and all 30 of my knuckles.
Ain't no big thang!
Don't worry, it's a Bosch.
Nine Hunded Ninety Niiiiineee.......
Speaking of Rabbits I sure do miss my pink, fuzzy, bunny slippers.
You think THIS is something, you should see what I do with those chisels.
Greg contemplated how he lost his hair in the tragic "spindle sander incident" as he prepared to turn on the router...
"If I had only studied harder in culinary school when I had the chance. I could be making bananas foster instead of standing here trying to balance this router on piece of wood waiting for the glue to take hold!"
No, not my wife, I was thinking about Spot, my dog.
THINK!!!!! Before plugging the router!
Swell! The User's Manual is in nine languages, but none of them is English!
Oh, wait a minute! This isn't my Nintendo game controller!
First tenent of design: follow your bliss.
Swell! The User's Manual is in nine languages, but none of them is English!
I wonder if woodshaving wigs have ever been invented. Hmm -- Black Walnut Curls, Nappy White Pine, Maple Spirals, ---
beam me up scottie......
oh god, she was so beautiful.
And now, for the ceremonial "Holding of the Router," Greg demonstrates the correct stance.
I can't believe she laughed at my joke. Nobody laughs at my jokes.
And the dream begins
"I coulda been a contender."
They found Greg in a catatonic state, it was one mortise to much. Look for the signs of woodworking addiction: obsession with grain, excessive spending, and hording tools.
"Router Do's and Don'ts"
Hope it works as well on wood as it did for the haircut.
Caption: Daydreaming -- an accident about to happen!
In a quite moment between tasks, we catch Greg looking longingly looking to his beloved Porter Cable Router, wishing that is was the one in his grasp.
Nacrolepsy's onslaught
This is my smug look,,, I get PAID for this!
Where is my stand-in?
"To rout or not to rout"
"No chips in the air and no dandruff in the hair!"
Remembering Dad
Did I turn off the iron?
"A real 'groovy' sort of guy."
These handles fit my hands so well....
All This Joy and No cleanup!!
can you believe the size of this thing? why couldn't i have been a jewelry maker?
"I'm piloting my F-22 Fighter, going in for a Mach 2 Dogfight, opps, I forgot my Safety Gear"
I wonder what is for Dinner? my question of the everyday.
When will he be done?
Bank left, bank right, pull the stick back to climb,push the stick forward to dive. How do I keep it all straight?
Relaxing with a router can be dangerous.
When will he be done?
What's wrong with this picture?
Identify as many safety errors as you can find in this photo, and enter to win a free copy of "500 Tables"(Lark Books 2009).
Why can't I ever route a straight line? Why, why, why?
"Ya know, this SawStop video makes a lot of sense..."
Greg's routing philosophy..."before beginning, cleanse your mind of all non-routing thoughts, find your routing zone...and BE THE ROUTER!"
Today's lesson, always pay attention to details.
"My wife is gonna kill me when she see's I'm not wearing my wedding ring". Ehh, I was doomed when I bought that new "Saw Stop" any way.
Is your chisel rack too crowded too? We'll show you how to build a better one...
Greg thinks ti himself, "There must be a better way to create toothpicks than this."
I wonder if this is how all the supermodels got started?
Routing - A Haiku
By Gregory Paolini
router is power
grain is true and clear
maple chips fly free
shampo and cream rinse ---Check
Safty Glass---- dang lost them in the cream rinse cycle
"Eyes closed? No, I just said I could do it without looking."
off camera editor to assitant: "Do you remember where Greg's on-switch is?"
What is the router telling you, Grasshopper?
Greg is deep in thought about the jig he needs to create to keep the router level during the cuts he needs to make!
When in doubt, don't rout...
"Festool wishes and Bosch dreams" (with apologies to Robin Leach)
Make sure your bench dogs are in the correct holes before pushing and pulling the router.
Make sure your bench dogs are in the correct holes before pushing and pulling the router.
"If I only had a fish!!!"
Sing phrase like "The Wizard of Oz, Tinman song "If I only had a Heart""
Boy,
These Woodworking videos sure make it look easier than this!
WOW! This new jig idea from FWW is realy great, but if I just changed.....
Keep the FOCUS
What would Norm do???
Shaa nah nah naah....be the mortise, be the mortise.
Let's see. Milk, eggs, butter, shampoo. What was the fifth thing she wanted me to pick up on my way home?
I would rather be reading Fine Woodworking
Now, where does this plug into the network???
...and Greg downshifts with his left thumb as he eases his racecar into that easy right-hand turn off of the back straight...
One dayyyy ovvvvver the rainbow...way up highhhhh...
"It is important to read and understand the instructions BEFORE operating your equipment rather than AS you do so."
Ahhhh, it just doesn't get any better than this!
Dreaming your router away (caption for contest)
Great game pad...I wish I had a screen for it
Secretly having moved the spare television into his man-cave, Greg takes a routing time-out to admire the strength and beauty of Tad and Brittany's "pas de deux" on So You Think You Can Dance.
Safety glasses? we don't need no stinkin' safety glasses
OK..router is out of table facing down; so the upcut bit cuts dow- no up; and I cut clockwise in an inside rout..or is it countercl....
OMG! Is that my marking gauge under there?! I've been looking for that all morning!
Another cup of coffee!
What's wrong with this picture? Can you find at least 5 safety issues here?
I've got the feeling...
"What would be a good caption for this? I wonder. I wonder, I wonder."
Why doesn't my cake batter look like Julia Child's? Oh wait, I am not in the kitchen...
"I had a dream"
Hmmm, this is the precise moment, when it's still perfect... lemme' just enjoy it...
"The One That Got Away - Daydream Believer!!!"
"Sightless Woodworker Tests New Blind Dovetail Router"
Dreaming of the perfect router station...
I know what you're thinking, "he doesn't even know what he is doing." You're right I'm a professional model, I don't even know what I'm holding or why I'm standing in some old guy's garage. What I do know is I smell like lavender and I look really good right now (my left side always photographs better).
I think she really does dig me, and it is so hard to find women who like hair-challenged men...maybe I should call her again
Does this router make my head look big?
Well, there goes the smoke detector again...time to change the bit !
What was my agent thinking..router modeling? I should be on the catwalk...yeah, on the catwalk.
Beauty and the Beast...
Without eye, hearing, or respiratory protection the long arm of the woodworker demonstrates wobbly router performing plunge and splinter through hardwood.
I don't get it, she says I don't spend enough time with her. What does she want I am with her all day long, she is in the house right now.
I miss Norm and the New Yankee Workshop,...
A route to 500 tables
Just before the accident, Greg, who is hard of hearing, thought he had turned the router off.
"Geez, I really should be in church!"
"It Began with an Idea"
"Why real men love their routers!"
Let's see... yesterday I had the chicken parm... boy was that good.. today maybe.. wings.. no pizza.. or maybe steak and cheese...hmmm...
As Greg sighs, thinking he finally has some quiet time alone in his shop, he fails to see the irony as he triggers the screaming 95db router without hearing protection, the equivalent of a speeding express train running through the shop.
Serious Router Business - Giggles cause Jiggles
You mean I spent $3200.00 and a 6 week boot camp to get my CCNA certification and I end up with a router like THIS???
Greg's mind drifts off as he prepares to rout, "Have router will travel reads the card of a man. A knight without armor in a savage land. Paolini, Paolini, where do you roam, Paolini, Paolini, far far from home." Man, I should've been a cowboy!
Caption: 'The dry-run feels about right.'
Comment: I would vote for one of these: Omri, Quinn020, P_Courtean, Henning, edcomfort.
Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer to completion
The more you're slip slidin' away
"Dyslexics, UNTIE !!!
A moment of zen.
I'm too sexy for this router...
'Sigh'.... another day, another mortise. Cancun, here I come.
Clear the mechanism, Focus, focus ...
Ah the good old days when I could do this with a router plane.
Now, what was I making?
Take the damn picture!
Warp factor 3 Mr Zulu
Damn, it's not plug in.
"Maybe my mom was right - I should've gone to law school."
"I really should be cutting these by hand but..."
Umm, I could have an astronaut.... will power tools work up there?
To save a few bucks Greg didnt renew his Fine Woodworking subscription ... and makes last years projects all over again.
MMMMMMMM, Pie!
Did I pay the electric bill?
Let's see, labor plus material, am I actually making anything on this thing?
I can't believe I agreed to this.
"It's better to have a Dry run Now than a Wet run Later."
Holy distracted woodworker Batman! I never expected this many people to take their shot at writing a caption. It's great. Make offerings to the muse and keep them coming.
IIII'm too sexy for this router, too sexy for this router, No need to be a doubter!!
Little Joe, your entry for the caption IS quite visible, several times.
Does this apron make me look fat??
What would Norm do in this situation......
Did I leave the oven on? oh well....
I wonder if this is how Norm Abrams got his big break?
Why hasn't mickey proposed to minnie yet???
they are paying me how much?? all right!!!!!
I wonder when the producers of The New Yankee Workshop are going to call?
Hmm, why didn't Marshall Dillon ever spend the night with Miss Kitty???
Having bought a Bosch plunge router and assorted bit set for his wife's birthday, Greg (pictured) has been sleeping on the couch for the past three weeks. At least he has his router to keep him company.
Awww no kitty kat, it wasn't that loud.
You want WHAT for your birthday!!!??
I don't believe I grabbed the Crazy Glue instead of the bearing lube !!!
It is easy, while in the workshop, to let your mind wonder and start day dreaming about the next great tool you‘ll purchase or that great project you have been trying to wrap you head around. It is a good thing Greg is just doing some tool setup. Earth to Greg? Greg!? Over here, Greg. Float back down to the shop and let’s get back to business.
Jeez, this is really boring. I don't think this is how it's done.
I don't believe I grabbed the Crazy Glue instead of the bearing lube !!!
"Yes, Grasshopper, with Kung Fu and utmost concentration you can cut straight free hand dadoes without looking."
I can just see it now. Already finished. How great it will look in my room!!
"When your as good as I am, you don't have to watch what you are doing."
"Gregory did you pick up the eggs and milk" or "Who turned the power off"
it would be nice if the double expresso would kick in....
After mistakingly gluing his hands to the router, Gregory Paolini contemplates what else could go wrong.
Remembering the first time his granddad let him use his good block plane, the smell of wood shavings on the shop floor and the pride in using quality tools. Granddad gave him a life long love of woodworking.
I wonder what Norm is doing right now?
Will you hurry up I gotta go so bad my eyes are floatin'
now, do I route left to right or right to left?
Sorry, honey, when I said "Sweet little rabbet, I didn't mean we were getting a pet"
Do you dream of better Router Accessories? TL Rowland
After three days of broken air conditioning, the afternoon heat at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum begins to melt the neck of the newly installed figure of famous woodworker Gregory Paolini.
Please use both hands while day dreaming...Safety first!
And I could be reading my latest issue of Fine Woodworking right now...
Honey are you kidding? On the Right Route! This puppy has a built in GPS. It Practically runs itself!
"As a first step in contemplating a router purchase, this experienced and safety-conscious craftsman simply considers how the tool feels in his hands before plugging it in and proceeding with any test cuts."
You think losing all your hair is bad? Try routing without looking! Safety first!
...first watch the demo DVD -THEN- practice routing.
"lost in Space, Warning Will Robinson" that what i see.
peter
Mark McGwire: Life after Steroids
Safety: It's not just a dream.
Waiting for power to be restored to my shop. I guess I should have invested in a good set of chisels.
As pictured, Gregory Paolini prefers to take somewhat of a "Zen" approach to routing. He pictures his power animal (a woodchuck), clears his mind of all other items on his "honey do list", and then flips the switch.
"(Dreamily) Now I think I'll lock in another smooth cut on my router."
I can tell by looking in his eyes that he's been smoking those funny cigarettes......
They think I'm busy, I'm holding my tool, all is well, ahhhh.
This router is so simple to use that even a blind, deaf person can use it without any problems.
500 Tables on the wall... 500 Tables on the wall... Take one down pass it around.... 499 Tables on the wall.......
"Ah.... Deja Vu all over again......
Ho Hum, I've had better shaves with a block plane!!
Ok, did she say square peg or round peg?
Safety Note: First remove loose necktie and hair...
I wonder if he really likes bald guys?
Day Dream'n in the Workshop
Day Dream'n in the workshop
Boy, I could use a cold beer. Maybe after I finish this last table leg.
"I wonder how big a martini I could stir with this ..."
"I know what your thinking...did I route 8 mortises or only 7? Well, being this is the Bosch 3 1/4 magnum you have to ask yourself....huh, oh yeah. You begin by aligning the router with the edge....
This router feels just like im grabbing on to the steering wheel of my F1 race car
I should have never quit my day job.
Can the cameraman smell that? If so I'll just blame the dog again.
I'd Rather Be Flying
Who IS buried in Grant's tomb?
Ready, Aim, Rout!
I knew I should have been an Astronaut....
Gentlemen, Start Your Router
The Route To Good Routing
Reading, Routing and Rithmatic
How To Plug In Your Router
Only 427 more pieces to go.
Routing Made Easy by Turning It On
Router Tricks: Shaving Your Head Without Nicks
Um...Hello ? ! ?
THIS PHOTO COULD BE A FUTURE CONTEST, " WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"
Say Watt ?
This new feature is great - AUTOPILOT!
If This Was A Woman, I'd Marry Her.
"THE THINKER" "Posing for a new version of that famous statue "THE THINKER" "I still can't believe they terminated "The New Yankee Workshop"...
Even with the best toys, sometimes it's still work!
"OOOOH, This baby feels Gooooooood!!"
Even with all the finest toys, sometimes it's still just work.
Awww Connie, I miss you. Why did you make me choose???
Revs up, shift third to fourth (smooth); lean right, inside corner (wow) what a great day for a ride!
A woodworking moment... Did I forget something?
now did she really say it was ok ?
Routered out.
Take number 53, my gums are getting dry from smiling.
And so it begins.
"I can't beleive I shaved my head for this! Are we done yet?"
I wonder if they have woodworking in Heaven...
or
Live, love, and woodworking--what more could you ask for?
And to think I built this shop without a coffee pot.
simon says-
AHHHHHH! Just like driving my Maserati....OH, Where was I!
I Just know momma"s gonna love this,she"ll be so proud of me
Tell me the truth, do you think this router makes me look fat?
(Wow, I should really crack a window when I clean the brushes.)
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY, I'M COMING HOME
hmmm....I wonder what Norm is up to these days,,,
Hum?? Did I remember to unplug the curling iron this morning?
I am one with the router....
Dad was right - I should have studied harder and gone to college.
Some woodworkers say they study the wood and let it tell them what piece will come from it. I prefer to let my router do the talking.
You know this is the only tool you can make 25,000
mistakes a minute.
I'm not sure, do I want fries with that?
It`s so easy with a good multi speed router
I wish, I was as sharp as this router bit !
500 hundred tables ! I am still on this one. How many years will it take ?
OK, I'm holding it, now what do I do?
Mmmm...bacon
How That Dreamy Project Can Become Your Nightmare
Let's see. Does this thing go right or left?
I used to play accordion, and everyone within listening distance would immediately look for ear and eye protection. Making music with my router has turned out to be far more rewarding for me AND my audience! Now, as soon as I find my glasses and earplugs, I’ll start making music once again.
I used to play accordion, and everyone within listening distance would immediately look for ear and eye protection. Making music with my router has turned out to be far more rewarding for me AND my audience! Now, as soon as I find my glasses and earplugs, I’ll start making music once again.
My life has sooo improved since my computer guy told me I needed a new router.
Thanks for the cool present Gramma, to bad I'm off grid!
Let's see, my jig set up looks good, my router seems to be balanced and oh, my shirt sleeves are rolled up. But you know before I actually start cutting I better put on my safety glasses and ear protection. Now, that's the ticket!
"If only I had a nickel for every mortise I've routed."
Steady Hands and Steady Gaze is Not Enough
Steady Hands and Steady Gaze is 2 out of 3
"I Could'a Been a Contender"
Here Greg demonstrates how the router is held on the jig. Once he fine tunes the depth he will place the jig on his head and wisk away any unwanted hair. Depth adjustment is critical so take care with this step.
"...and remember, have fun with it."
"Ho hum. Another day, another mortise."
Hmmm....I wonder if I should have designed the piece before I started building it?
"I wonder if Norm ever gets lonely."
Daydreaming router.
Satisfied that "Greg" the man-robot had done yet another good days work, Tina flipped the switch on the back of his neck to shut him off for the night.
"He said he'd give me a book if I just stood here..."
Not Your Ordinary Router.
We're passionate about preventing router accidents.
That’s why RouteStop® routers are equipped with a safety
system to stop the machine from ever turning on if it detects lack of hearing and / or eye protection.
From the innovators at SawStop®.
About to take the plunge.
Whoa!! What's wrong with this picture?
Think before you route!
If it were only a Harley! Ahhh, the open road.
"It says here, before using this tool; become familiar with the manual."
"This week's quiz; list and explain what three things this woodworker is doing wrong."
Wow... this Bosch performed much better in the grooming test than the Hitachi. I look as smooth as a baby's behind!
I really need to take the T.V. out of the shop!
"oh I wish I was a CNC router table, that is what I'd really like to be, cause if I were a CNC router table, I'd be done and you wouldn't be seeing me". (to the oscar myer tune)
Who says blind men can't be woodworkers!
Just a few more minutes of faux routing, then I can REALLY cut some wood
Countless hours spent training for action shots, and HE wants a statue pose!
I am a wood machinist not a woodworker.
"With my two hands on my router, I'm well on my way to the joy of creation!"
Norm's new most important safety rule: When screaming down the backstretcher at 20,000 r.p.m., always wear a safety helmet.
Look Gippetto! I'm a real boy. Now I'm going to make you a wife!
AH!...What a life I have.
Hmmm, if I was the subject of a photocaption contest...
Why yes Matt, I could use a cup of coffee.
Yes dear, alright dear, whatever you say dear, just point me in the right direction honey, I'm sure I was wrong and you are right, you are always smarter than me...
Of course I've THOUGHT about safety, why?
Let's see, if I put a C note on Shoulda Saw it Coming in the 5th I could buy some goggles and hearing protection AND a dedicated mortising tool.
I'll bet if I had a hammer I could get this thing to turn on.
Now that you have all read your manual, Can you identify all the things that I am doing wrong in this picture?
Sometimes it's just best for everyone in the shop if you take a day off...for safety sakes.
Man, it's hard to get much done when the power is out!
... and the vibration of this bad boy stimulates hair growth!
"Did I remember to lock my car"
This doesn't look like grandpas lathe.
Did I forget to lower the seat again?
I am 'SPARTACUS'
Honestly, the blade on my plane will shave hair.
Put one foot in front of the other.....
Houston...We have a problem.
My project is overdue,
my wood is cracking too.
Boss says it has to go out,
all I can do is shout.
All of this noise from the router
wondering which tool could be louder.
Pockets are full of wood chips,
makin' my pants fall from my hips.
I'm waiting for the day to end
so I can go home to my shop and do it all over again.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
If only ............I had a router that worked.
I wonder if the shop dog would like his head shaved, too ?
Is that my hairpiece laying in the contact cement?
Why, oh why won't Oprah wear stripes?
At the end of the day the village carpenter shuts off his beloved new router and if you listen very carefully you can hear him hum: "Forever young, I wanna be forever young..."
Daydreaming and routing don't mix!!! Don't do it!
If you like how that router works now, you should try it with that little power button turned to "on"!
So this is how those signs for the blind are made!
I wish I could do this forever
It's all in the details. Safety is the most important detail of all.
"Who says blind people can't ride a motorcycle?"
Longing for the right feeling.
Hang on for dear life!
(watching T.V. to New Yankee workshop) "And most the most important saftey rule is to wear these... Safety Glasses"
Having mastered the half blind dovetail, Gregory attempts to pioneer the no-look mortise. A suspect idea at best.
A conversation between two woodworkers marveling at this photo at the Fine Woodworking Gallery in Ridgefield, Connecticut:
Woodworker One: "I think that this piece really captures the true essence of Paolini! Look at the lighting, the use of line, the plaid shirt! Truly Baroque!"
Woodworker Two: "Yes yes, but what does it mean?! Art without meaning is decoration. Illustration. Point and shoot photography at best!...Form over function. Craft...."
Woodworker One: "You know, you really are a critic."
"Earth to GREG...Earth to GREG...Honey, what are you makin' me?"
I just saw this, and was amazed that no on thought about
"Kind of Blue (and groovy...)"
no one listens to jazz while woodworking any more?
with greg's expression it sort of jumped to my head...
the winning caption is a bit too long and also somewhat mocking. I prefer gentler and more concise humor. but thats just me. any way, great idea, and hope there will be more.
Channeling Ty Webb (Caddy Shack) Greg thinks to himself "Just be the router, be the router, be the router. You're not being the router Greg."
If you are going to smoke, don't do it in the shop.
"I would hardly classify what I just smoked as Marijuana" Walter's Weekly Wisdom (Fringe)
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Greg hasn't gotten much work done since he took that on-line course in how to sleep standing up with your eyes open...
"And after dinner, I think I will take her to that new night spot that just opened; she will really like that. Then after that, oh man, she is so beautiful, I am so lucky. . ."
Yeah! That's it! I'll get me one of those CNC router machines and be able to build stuff in a half hour just like that Yankee guy on TV!
"One of these days I'm going to come on the set, the taping will start, and the tools that I use WILL be plugged-in to the wall socket!"
That was some vacation we just returned from. Can't wait til next year when we can do it all over again.
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