Hi Folks,
I was wondering if anyone can attribute the adage;
“I cut the board twice and its still too short”
Thanks, have a great day
Ken
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Replies
Ken,
At Virginia Craftsmen, in the early 70's, it was Luke Dove who said of a piece of molding, "I cut it off three times, and it's still too short". He attributed it to a man named Talley, who worked there in the 40's. I'm sure it goes back farther than that, and that it goes hand in hand with references to the related, mythical "board stretcher".
Cheers,
Ray
I like some other quotes that get bandied around, for example:
"It fits where it touches."
"Where does it touch then?"
"Not many places-- but where it touches, it fits."
Another few I like:
"Don't use force, ya eejit-- use a bigger hammer."
"It looks good from my place."
"It's one of those jobs with a copper bottomed tail-light guarantee."
"That's close enough for government work."
"Just put the effort into the money side."
That'll do for now. Er, that wasn't a saying, ha, ha. Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
Richard,
My dad used to put it, "Don't force it! Get a bigger hammer."
Also heard here on the job site:
If a smallish gap, as in the coped corner of a crown mold, "It'll paint." If a larger gap, "It'll caulk." Both said with a critical, but judicious air.
"You'll never see it, from a galloping horse."
A coworker used to say as he'd finished hand sanding a piece, and was pushing it toward the finishing room, "A fly better not try to land on that. If he does, he'll slide right off the end and break all his legs."
And, with broken piece in hand, and air of innocence, "It just fell off."
"That makes it look old," of an obvious flaw, in materials or workmanship. Always a good thing, in reproduction furniture.
Cheers,
Ray
My Father told me , when I missed the nail "Hit it again it's still alive"
Ah, Tony. The variation on that one I know is, "The old ways are the best sonnie. Try hitting the nail----- instead of the wood." Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
"Ah, Tony. The variation on that one I know is, "The old ways are the best sonnie. Try hitting the nail----- instead of the wood." Slainte."Or when repeatedly missing the nail:"What are you doing? Trying to scare it in?"Bro. Luke
Bro.Luke
Richard,
"The directions that came with those nails, said to hit them on the head."
Dad used to tell me when I'd miss a lick with hammer or axe, "Boy, that means your pecker's not done growin' yet." Last time he told me, I said I was sure the wife would be glad to hear THAT!
Ray
I've heard, not directed at me of course"That's enough practice, now try one for real"And when lifting heavy objects with a partner"Me and you, mostly you"Andy
Ray, as a young lad my Daddy asked for the vertical measurement of the brick column between the basement windows so he could cut the metal lathe and I said " oh, it's 31 inches and a little bit", He responded " how the he!! can I cut a little bit-you're as usless as teats on a bull" and proceded to chuck the tin snips at me. Being young and adroit I ducked, they went through the window and I went quickly out to the street, not to return till my Mom said come in He won't touch you. I quickly learned to properly read a rule as a matter of self preservation. Paddy
Paddy,
I once worked witha fellow who couldn't read a rule; when he measured something, just remembered which mark on the tape he had to cut to. He did decent work, but had to do it all himself, as if you told him to cut a piece 14 7/16", he hadn't a clue. Another wiseacre used to always give the same answer when you asked him how long a part had to be: Thirty-nine, and forty-'leven s'teents!"
Locally, the animal with useless mammaries is the boar hog. I guess a bull with teats is just too expensive for those of limited means to have around.
Take care,
Ray
We desparately need to take you off those granite flakes!
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
I've always heard that variation as:
"useless as teats on a nun"
Ray, talking of painting, that reminds me of the old disparaging saying, "If you can pish, you can paint."
That about sums up the technique frenchy's often described on this forum for getting shellac on to wood as far as I can tell, ha, ha--- ha, ha, ha.
Another interesting saying whilst I think about it: About as firm as a gooseberry bush tied to a church steeple. No, I have no idea what it means either. Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
A fellow weekend woodworker/shopmate was fond of saying, "Measure twice, cut once. Measure once, BUY twice!"
tony b.
I've always liked:
"Nail if you can, screw if you must, bolt if you have to."
My two favorites, from an old timer no longer with us, are:
That looks like two monkeys tryin' to f$#K a football.
Monkeys will jump outta your a$$ before that ever happens.
Here's to "The Big Guy"
Jeff
Jeff, then there's, "Get on with it. We ain't buildin' a bleedin' pianer." Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
Ahh, but what do they say in a piano factory??CHeers,eddieWho heard countless times,what are you doing, it won't get any bigger if you watch it!
and
numerous other terms not repeatable here
from my brother as I was trying to evenly space the cladding on a cover for a bore-pump: David...it's a shed.
Dear Jeff,
"That looks like two monkeys tryin' to f$#K a football." Twenty years in the business and I never heard that one! Very funny!1) "That's slicker than a couple of eels making love in a barrel of snot"
2) "Good enough for the pigs that I go out with"
3) "Where can it go with nothing holding it?"John
J,
That's slicker than: 1-greasy owl $hit 2-snot on a doorknob
Well, it ain't much for looks, but it's he11 for strong!
Fun thread.
Ray
"
My two favorites, from an old timer no longer with us, are:
That looks like two monkeys tryin' to f$#K a football.
Monkeys will jump outta your a$$ before that ever happens.
Here's to "The Big Guy""
I heard number 1 with a chicken instead of a football.Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
My first boss in the woodshop used to tell me " You can rub and you can rub, put you can't polish a turd". Meaning give it up and start over.........
KenParsons,
Wasn't it Norm Abram? LOL
Paul
I hope you were kidding!
Hal
Hal,
Yah, I was. It was really Bob Villa. :)
Paul
Funny!
Okay here's one for you. Who made up this one?
The smoker you drink, the player you get.
One of my favorites is: "A nod's as good as a wink to a blind man."
Hal
http://www.rivercitywoodworks.com
Dean Martin
Paul
ps " I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Paul and Hal
Careful here guys. We do not want to upset the blind woodworkers who may be lurking in the background.
I saw a film that showed a blind woodworker building some amazingly intricate and beautiful cabinetry...and he still had all his digits. I have nothing but respect for his skill and his passion and his courage. JL
My favorite came from my grandfather, ship's master on the Great Lakes...
"You can put a glass eye in a ducks butt and see the won't work!"
JL,
Funny....... My next post will be in braille. Blind woodworking. Boy, that's something else. Actually, I'm half blind myself from birth. Mono something-or-other. My eyes don't track together. Never seen 3 dimensions, but I thank God every day for the sight I do have and the talent and love for working wood.
Paul
Paul
This man was amazing. Totally blind and he still used a table saw, routers, band saw jointer and all types of hand tools, producing beautiful cabinetry. If you want to post a message for him, carve the words into a piece of lumber and he will read it. :-)
People can adapt to all kinds of situations and, like you say, then thank God for the gifts and the opportunities we do have. Take care. JL
jeanlou,
A blind woodworker is amazing. However, I once heard of a gunfighter in the Old West who used to shoot without taking his gun out of his holster. I believe his name was "No Toes" Bailey. :-)
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel
No toes had his particular claim to fame, but not my respect because he has no toes.
The blind cabinet maker, he has all his digits and toes and other body parts, and does better work than the great majority of sighted woodworkers. He has my respect because he has overcome a great many hurdles to get where he is.
No toes, well all he has is no toes. JL
jl,
I once knew a 95 year old gentleman who was totally blind. He used to plant his garden in the spring, mostly tomatoes, as he was of Sicilian decent. He would laboriouly prepare the soil for the new plants.
Once planted he would stake them so as to allow the plants to grow tall. If you placed a straightedge against the stakes there would be NO deflection! Absolutely amazing!
By the way, he also made the most delicious sauce.Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Bob
I believe that on some level of awareness these people can see what they are doing better than we can. Our brains and senses are too lazy because we have all our senses working at half power or less. They have less senses working so what is left is working at full capacity. I bet they were beautiful healthy tomatoes that rivaled the best. JL
There's also the theory that a depleted sense in a person adds to another. The body is truly something to behold and is resilient beyond imagination.
I also tried to trick him in a financial situation.
He asked me to go to the store for a box of cigars. He gave me a $10 bill to purchase cigars that cost $4.95. When I returned with the cigars I gave him $.05 in return. He asked me for the $5 dollars!
It turns out that he previously kept track of all denominations of all bills he had in his wallet, as well as the change in his pocket!
Now there's a mind!
I'll never forget that man. And that is a lesson in life that not everyone is fortunate to learn.
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Edited 3/21/2007 10:20 pm ET by KiddervilleAcres
Bob
I went to a restaurant in Montreal recently called "O Noir". The place has a front welcoming area where patrons leave all their lit up items like cell phones, watches that glow etc in a locker, order the meal from a menu (there is one item called the surprise meal), and then are led to the table by a seeing impaired waitress or waiter.
For the next three hours my dinner companion and I were functionally blind, and I must say that the other senses kick in immediately. My hearing became sharper, my sense of smell and taste was improved and my memory was better than I thought it usually was. I guess it was because I was paying more attention to everything around me.
An interesting experience. JL
jean,
Once a beautiful young lady was just leaving the shower when the doorbell to her apartment rang. Dripping wet, she goes to the door and asks, "Who's there?"
From the other side of the door comes the answer, "I'm a blind delivery man."
Well, she thinks, if he's blind, I don't need to dress first, so she opens the door, and invites the man in. "Okay lady, where you want me to put these blinds?"
Ray
Ray
What are these granite flakes that Bob is talking about? He seems to be saying that you are who and what you are because you have a regular diet of granite flakes.
I will hold off a full blown comment on the blind delivery man (not bad), until I know more about the granite flakes. JL
Jeanlou,
You asked about granite flakes and joinerswork. For the answer, you should go over to another thread "I just got my bonus. What to buy?" and read through the thread. In short, I posted a message to the original poster, that his brain is the most important tool in his shop. Ray (joinerswork) posted a reply saying that his brain had become dull). I responded that he should fix it with a sharpening tool called a Brain-mec. Then Bob (Kidderville Acres) responded with a comment about using the granite chips for sharpening, and it went on from there. Hope that helps. Some of the logic in these threads is hard to follow. (then again, maybe the logic isn't always there -- but it sure is fun when folks jump in and enjoy the humor of it all, as happened in the thread-hopping sequence which involved granite chips. Laissez les bon temps roullez!
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
I saw the post in the thread you are referring to Mel. I was making a subtle indirect joke...that I do not think you picked up on. :-) JL
jean,
I won't take you for granite, if you won't say I'm full of schist.
Ray
Now that is a response that makes me smile! Good one Ray! JL
jl,
Don't encourage him!
I think Ray OD'd on the granite flakes. Either that or we suspect he may have swallowed the belt sander. In any event we must proceed with caution else he might go postal!
If you notice him licking postage stamps I would refrain from engaging any technical discussion with Ray, unless of course he starts talking about cabriole legs. If that happens I would hope that you would notify me as I have a keen interest in the proper shaping of these legs.
Regards,
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Edited 3/22/2007 7:49 pm ET by KiddervilleAcres
Bob
I will not encourage him to eat any more granite flakes...promise! JL
From Dad...RIP... If s... were electricity, you'd be a dynamo....make it tighter than Dick's hatband...never could figure that one out...Get out the whirling hatchet/tomahawk, (skilsaw) and cut it....many more too rude to get by the censors...Jimmy
Hi Jimmy:
" Tighter than Dick's hat band " --- I have heard that one as " Tighter than Dick Tracy's hat band". There may be "youngsters " on the forum that don't know who Dick Tracy is ,or was, ... ( is he still in the funny papers anywhere ? ), --- he is a comic strip 'dectective ' and his hat never fell off I guess.
I'm sur e you can google it and find a picture.
Regards,
Bill.
"Six two and even, over and out!""Look, it's Joe Jitsu!"
"I cut this piece four times and it's still too short."
When I was a kid and my dad asked me to do something I had never done I would of course say, " but Dad I've never doen that" ( hear whining tone) . He would come back with " Well you are never going to learn any younger."
Actually, I'm half blind myself from birth. Mono something-or-other. My eyes don't track together. Never seen 3 dimensions, but I thank God every day for the sight I do have and the talent and love for working wood
i guess this will seem a bit far removed from your post, but i've just read it today. it's such a blessing to be grateful for the vision we do have, than to be bitter for what we don't. carry on!
Amen
Paul
One of my faves.....for when your asked to dress up something that just doesn't deserve the help:
"That's like putting socks on a pig."
Support our Troops. Bring them home. Now. And pray that at least some of the buildings in the green zone have flat roofs, with a stairway.
I haven't read all of the posts here . Maybe this one has been posted. I think it goes back a ways.
" Can't make a silk purse out-of-a sows ear "
Paul
<"That's like putting socks on a pig.">
The version I've heard of that is, you can put as much lipstick on it as you like, it's still a pig. Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
Even with their Sunday go ta meetin duds on?
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
I said this one the other day while out practicing driving (I just got my permit) and my mom starting laughing histaricaly. Evidently she had never heard it!
-Ryan C.
"Who made up this one? The smoker you drink, the player you get."You mean the Joe Walsh album? There, I said it and I meant it! Album! Flat hunk of vinyl, came with a groove on each face and in a few cases, two grooves (Monty Python's "Classical" album being one of them). Ever see Rod Stewart's album "A Nod Is As Good As A Wink To A Blind Horse?
"I cut this piece four times and it's still too short."
I'm with you on the albums! Great artwork, and other goodies like the zipper on the cover of the Rolling Stones' "Sticky Fingers". I love the convenience of CDs, but still have every LP I ever acquired.
You have probably been guilty of calling CDs albums too. I do it all the time, and regardless of what all of these kids think (the ones that ruined our good albums when they were little). I have been told that they are not albums, they are CDs! It's still an album of music, otherwise it would be a single.
Hal
Ken,
How about U.S. Government Spec. - "Measure with micrometer, chop with an ax, file to fit"
Regards,
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Warning this post contains material that some may find offensive.
An old carpenter told me when I was first starting out and possibly being a little to fussy about a piece I was cutting... "IT AIN'T PU%%Y! IT DON'T HAVE TO BE TIGHT!"
Rob
"Measure it with a micrometer
Mark it with a piece of chalk
Cut it with a hatchet"
Rob,<!----><!----><!---->
Did you even read the original post? And while your reply was in its own way both offensive AND stupid, it really misses the point entirely.
I was looking for a specific person to whom the generalized quote I asked about might be attributed to. It appears that you have spent way too much time alone in the shop. Perhaps I shold have asked who said "edit twice, post once"
Ken<!----><!---->
<<Did you even read the original post?>>Ken,Not condoning or condemning, but you'll find that threads here in Knots sometimes stray in directions not even remotely related to the original post -- just the nature of the beast, I guess. Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes not.Mike
Whoa! Cool down Ken.
Your post was offensive.
The original poster doesn't get to control the direction of a thread. It's an open forum. And one person's humor is another person's "poor taste." Rob's contribution was no different than any other, just a little more "Earthy." Just words.
Rich
Ken,
Did you read anything other than my post? I wasn't the first or the last to stray from the subject. If you found my post offensive and stupid you should have stopped after the warning, or just use the ignore feature.
Best wishes, Rob
P.S. I may have spent a little to much time on job sites, where skin tends to be a little thicker.
Edited 3/21/2007 1:23 pm ET by Rob A.
Edited 3/21/2007 1:24 pm ET by Rob A.
Rob,
Your post made em laugh out loud. And brought back a memory. A while back, I hired a fellow to do some masonry work on the house. Looking at his forms before he was going to make a pour to stiffen up some weak foundation work, I was looking to find a tactful way to suggest he might have done a little neater job. He saw where I was heading, and says to me, "Now, before you get too critical, Mr Pine, I'm going to remind you, we're not building furniture here." Nuff said, and I went back to the shop, where I knew what I was doing. If he weren't a faithful Brethren, he might have had use for your way of saying the same thing.
Ray
As a boss of mine said as we were building the forms, "With footings, there are no extra marks for neatness"
“Expectation strolls through the spacious fields of Time towards Opportunity.”
Umberto Eco, The Island of the Day Before
It ain't puffy ...
It ain't putty ...
It ain't puppy ...
It ain't punny ...
It ain't purty ...
It ain't pulpy ...
It ain't pukey ...
It ain't pu..y ...
I'm not offended that I can't solve the puzzle, just puzzled why some people get offended when they don't know the solution. Well, my interest in solving this puzzle is dropping faster than a golfer in a Lear Jet, so I'll wait until someone posts the answer.
"Kenneth, what's the frequency?"
"All your base are belong to us"
Bob.
I thought that was, "Beat to fit, paint to match."
Ray
Ray,
That's the laymans way. As you well know the government is very particular about any of their published specs.......................... Yeah, right!
Your dad was certainly very wise, and a great sense of humor too! I can see you are certainly a chip off the ol' block.
By the way, I've been meaning to ask you, how come I don't see any posts from you in thje Joinery discussion? :-) :-)
Rattlin ol' peel heel!
Best Regards,
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Edited 3/21/2007 8:21 am ET by KiddervilleAcres
Slicker'n deer guts on doorknob...
Slicker'n snot on a tile floor...
Zolton
Slicker that cat s___t on a linoleum floor!
Support our Troops. Bring them home. Now. And pray that at least some of the buildings in the green zone have flat roofs, with a stairway.
Or the ones my father in law is famous for:
When someone is being a little too careful in his opinion:
"What are your doing, picking fly SH$$ out of pepper"
or when someone is just a little on the complaining side --
"(S)He would bitc$ if hung with a new rope"
Most of the ones from my dad the retired Navy petty office can not be posted on this forum.
Dan Carroll
what do you find up a clean nose?
fingerprints
Bob,
The old man could turn a phrase. Most of his comments were, unfortunately derogatory. He was fond of saying to his partner on the other end of a 2 man crosscut, "Dammit, boy, I don't mind you ridin' this thing, but DO YOU HAVE TO DRAG YOUR FEET?!
Which discussion in Joinery am I not in on?
Ray
Another nice one guys. A euphemism really.
Question, "Why is this too long/short/wide/tall, etc.?"
Answer, "Er, well, it looks like a, er, calculatory anomaly. There might be a bug or two to work out."
Slainte.Richard Jones Furniture
About 15 years ago, I was discussing a sale with a particularly nasty elderly woman. She was, without a doubt, the most miserable person I have ever had the displeasure to do business with. Finally, after about 2 hours of going back and forth, and back, and forth...........
I asked her "Excuse me, but how much do you charge to haunt a house??"
She INSTANTLY replied "How many rooms!"
I laughed so hard I almost fell off the chair I was sitting in. True story, I swear.
Jeff
Jeff,
I laughed so hard on that one I think I may have woken up the dead! Well at least the dog started barking!
I don't care who you are, that's funny.
How 'bout, "The operation was a success, but the patient died!"
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Ray,
Just kidding. I probably should have said which discussion you're NOT in! By the way, the Queene Anne whachimacallit is coming along great. Don't want to hijack this fine thread and have posted new in the original.
Ciao,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
that's great....to bad 2 man saws aren't more common these days, i'd love to use that one...
"I trimmed it down till it was finer than frog's hair."
Frosty
I like my own:
"The reason the cut's wrong is that I forgot to take into consideration the Curvature of the Earth."
You think 'large' ! - and there is no accounting for the effects of gravity?Frosty
Wow Jfrostir.....thanks for the tip on the gravity thing. Never considered that, but it's probably why stuff I joint sometimes isn't perfectly flat!
You can say that "this steel is harder than Chinese arithmetic."
You can also refer to certain body parts the same way.
My Grandads favorite quote was " There's a lot more to it than just talking about it"
My uncle's favorite was "To each is his own the world around"
My dads was "I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none"
Mine is " duhhhhhhhhh"
Can you see how generations go down hill?????? lol Its pretty evident how my grandad,uncle,dad were wise,me on the other hand ,well,my quote says it all ha ha ha
Sincerely,
Jim at Clark Customs
Ken
This was a term I first heard spoken in German, when I was an apprentice in 1970. The person who said it was almost an old fart at the time, and he had heard it when he was an apprentice 40 years earlier. Does it go back even further than that? Probably. JL
Hi Ken,
In spite of your intentions you started what is most assuredly a very good post in here. Take heart in the fact that you came up with a subject that obviously got the attention of a lot of folks.
Sometimes a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
I guess that might need updating in this day and age, but I can't think of a word for both genders that rhymes with then..................
Great post and welcome to the frat, or whatever it is,
Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Favorite qoutes from my Dad:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!
and
It's the SECOND mouse that gets the cheese.
This sayings have been passed down in my family from my grandfather( a german stonemason) This first one was used when doing finish plastering.... Leave well enough alone! Another was if you were being overly concerned with doing a perfect job......He'd say It ain't a church!
When I drove truck I once heard on a snowy wintery day..."it's slicker than goose poop in ice..."
I finished some work at a little old lady's house, she asked if she was to pay me, I told her the company would bill her, she said.."tell them to bill it to the dust, and we'll let the rain settle it."
When I did carpentry many moons ago, a fellow worker said to me once I wacked my thumb with the hammer..." ya hit the wrong nail!"
Kickin' back with a friend eating some delicious chicken, he exclaimed..." if there's a better piece of chicken out there somewhere, the rooster done got it!"
When the traffic light would turn green and the car in front hadn't moved my dad (RIP) would say... "come on man, that light won't get any greener..." or if someone was driving slow he would say..."come on man, get the lead out of your a--"
CC.
'When the traffic light would turn green and the car in front hadn't moved my dad (RIP) would say... "come on man, that light won't get any greener..." '
My dad always says, "What shade of green are ya looking for?!" lol...gets me every time. But I've noticed now that I've started driving I do the same thing lol
In Marc Adams DVD series on woodworking, he has an eraser board behind him with the following saying:
Beware of paralysis thru analysis.
I didn't realize I suffered from this particular ailment until I read that saying!
True Story;
I was helping a friend of mine putting in some crown molding because two of his helpers were sick with the flu and the job needed to get done. Well, two other workers were doing the baseboards when their tape measure broke and they had to run out to get another one along with some coffee for us. Well, they came back and started by cutting the longest piece for the room only to come up an inch short. Back to the saw to cut another one and that one is an inch short also. Before they cut the third one my curiosity got the better of me and I measured the spot with my tape and then the piece. Sure enough, one inch short. That's when we examined the tape and read the inches. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10. There was no 9" mark on the tape. Here, Moe and Larry (their new names now) bought the tape measure at the a dollar store next to a coffee shop. Needless to say I was ROFLMAO and Moe & Larry were sent home for the rest of the day and told NOT to come back until they got some better tools.
Dave
9 is the infinite number. Maybe the manufacturer didn't put it on the tape becasue it was a finite measuring tool? :-) JL
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