Remember George Carlin, the hippy dippy weatherman and comic?
His best show ever was called “Seven words you cannot say on television”.
I was wondering, what are things that a woodworker can never say to a client. I’d like to hear your ideas. Here are some that came to me without much thinking.
1- I didn’t really mean to say you are a fool. I have Tourette’s syndrome.
2- You are not the most difficult client I have ever had. But he is recovering well.
3- Are you related to Charlie the Tuna?
4- I am sorry I got angry. A doctor should be able to remove that.
5- I will make you the Chippendale highboy in purpleheart, I just refuse sign it.
6- You painted the curly maple hutch what color?.
7- I am amazed. How have you lived so long?
So do you have any ideas of things a woodworker should not say to a customer?
Mel
Measure your output in smiles per board foot.
Replies
You can save some money if you help me.
I can make that poplar look just like cherry.
I could design the piece for you, but wouldn't you be better off hiring an interior decorator?
Sure, we'll do free installation.
Yes, I can have it ready by Christmas.
Feel free to borrow any of my tools.
Anything good to eat in your fridge?
Where should I throw my beer cans?
How old is your daughter?
Andy,
Yours are much better than mine. You must do this for a living. I especially like the ones about the beer cans and the daughter, but the rest all show insight into the process.
Thanks for posting.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Hey Ray,
You should come over and read what Andy had to say about how to handle clients. Do you have any ideas to add?
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel,
Andy has it nailed.
I'd add,
I can match that color, no problem.
Once upon a time, I had a couple other fellas working with me in the shop. Around that time, I was doing repeat work for a customer who liked to stop by and see how the work was progressing whenever we were working on one of his pieces. My coworker jokingly told him one day that we were considering charging admission to the shop as a means of augmenting our income.
The customer failed to see the humor. Took years of sweet talk before he ordered another piece. He'd spent thousands with us, and the good-will was gone-pfffft- just like that.
Ray
Richard,
You have a lot of experience handling clients. What are the things that you would add to this list of things that a woodworker should not say to a client?
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Wipe tears off cheeks. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
My. You have got a Ford Escort budget to go with those Rolls Royce tastes.
Oh yes. I guarantee all my work-- every client gets a tail light guarantee.
Yeah well-- there's only so many quarts you can get out of a pint pot.
You can't afford me.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but all the furniture you've already got is rubbish.
I'm cheaper than IKEA.
I don't bother with all that FSC (Forest Stewardship Council) and chain of custody rubbish.
Solid Bombay rosewood? Nay problem.
Will that do for now? Slainte.
Richard Jones Furniture
Edited 1/8/2009 6:04 pm by SgianDubh
Richard,
Some great ideas. Thanks a lot. The total list from everybody is going to be a hoot. May be a good thing to use in training future woodworkers.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
I charge insert amount$__________ per hour with your help it will 50% more + material.Hey Richard ...little knife how have you been???n
Edited 1/9/2009 6:19 pm ET by No1Originalbart
I was once asked if I were a "green builder." Well, not being a "builder" at all (must have been my plaid shirt), I answered with a smile...."I'm a brown builder, I try to use only endangered exotic materials and I try to use the last of everything."Steve
I was once talking to a prospective client, a very proper older woman. She asked me if I had any Cherry in stock in my shop. I had just taken delivery of a couple 1,000 BF the day before. When I answered her I meant to say I had just received a large "shipment" of Cherry. At that exact moment, for some reason, my mind tried to substitute the words "boat load" for "shipment". What I actually blurted out was "I just got a whole shi#load of Cherry". There was a moment of stunned silence on both our parts and I quickly continued the conversation. She was polite and pretended not to hear me.
In my line of work I have learned never to ask:1. When are you due (suggesting the mom is pregnant again)?2. Are you the grandfather or grandmother?Kieran
A couple to add to them;
"They'll only charge (fill in their number) to do that"
A - They're very smart, they know exactly what their work is worth.
"You know we want you to do this but our budget is gone.............."
A - I understand completely; please feel free to call me when you're ready again.
During negotiations " You know a LOT of people will see this room when it's done" Hint Hint (by the owner of a car dealership).
A - If I work for all those people first, maybe we could work something out after that. True story. I got the job.
I've never done this before, wow, and I'm getting paid too!
Ya I'll lower my rate, got any tools? No? Then bite me.
Sure I'll use your son to save you money. Here's a bag he can use taking down all that asbestos in the basement. Call me when he's done.
Just A Guy With A Hammer
"Sure, it's a great idea to have that guy do the drywall -- the one that does it "on the side and under the table". And I hear he does plumbing too, so why not have him take care of that too.
And yes, MDF trim really is a good idea, and those particle board cabinets..... who will ever know?"
What's that you say? The plumbing leaked? Soaked the cabinets and the trim? The drywall is hanging how far?"
I bought 350 bf of Cherry for your job but I only used 240', and I have a bunch of extra plywood and hardware left .
I'm slipping a small job in while I'm doing your's
I forgot to put screws up there
Sure no problem , I can match it exactly
I don't know how to do that
I stacked a set of cabinet doors against the wall and the client asked if I was going to put them on today ? I said you didn't say you wanted any hinges ,,,,
It can't be done , don't say that , charge more !
dusty , boxmaker
Dusty,
You have a lot of experience in this area. It shows. You have survived. There have been some funny statements that have come out in this thread.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
oldusty,
I stacked a set of cabinet doors against the wall and the client asked if I was going to put them on today ? I said you didn't say you wanted any hinges ,,,,
Ahhhh, the subtle approach - I love it!
Still chuckling about that one,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
From my world, mechanical contracting the only two things you ever have to know:
NIC (not in contract).
Give me a change order.
Napie,
I worked for NASA for 30 years. The cot of changing a conract was very high. The contractors know it. We knew it. So we tried to keep it to a minimum.
Thanks for writing.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Can your wife stay home to help?
What's my guarantee.........50/50...............50 feet or 50 seconds,whichever happens first.
So, you want birdseye mdf, huh?
I've got more, but I'll save 'em for after I've had my afternoon pint.
Jeff
Jeff,
Excellent, Dude.
Cant wait to see what happens after you have your pint. :-)
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel,
What a great post you've started here. This might rival the Real Woodworker's Dictionary - http://forums.taunton.com/fw-knots/messages?msg=41037.1!
How about...
I can have it done sooner than Andy Charron (who says he can have it done before Christmas).
I am cheaper than Richard Jones Furniture (who says he is cheaper than Ikea).
No, seriously, what do you want?
Oh, did you want it assembled too?
Apparently it won't fit through your doorways.
Well, I told you before that I'm colour blind.
I took the liberty of making a few changes.
That will probably work. Yeah, I think so.
This is my absolute best work... except for that. And that over there.
Just pretend that that isn't there/like that.
Nobody will notice that.
I can do that.
Chris @ http://www.flairwoodwork.spaces.live.com
(soon to be http://www.flairwoodworks.com)
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
Edited 1/9/2009 2:45 pm by flairwoodworks
Chris,
Glad you are having fun with this one. We got some great answers. When it is finished, make a list of your ten favorite, and you will be the hit of the local woodworkers party.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Forget being a hit at the party - I'm going to give up woodworking and become a stand up comic!Chris @ http://www.flairwoodwork.spaces.live.com(soon to be http://www.flairwoodworks.com)
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
Chris,
Yeah but you'll still have to hang out in here for some of the best material.
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Chris,
You have probably figured by now that I always wanted to be a comic. So that is two of us.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
You a comic? Go figure. You have to have a good sense of humour to work in retail. Or at least you should...Chris @ http://www.flairwoodwork.spaces.live.com(soon to be http://www.flairwoodworks.com)
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
How about:Oh, I thought that those dimensions were millimeters!Chris @ http://www.flairwoodwork.spaces.live.com(soon to be http://www.flairwoodworks.com)
- Success is not the key to happines. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
I never said Christmas of what year. ;)
Mel , funny thread here, how bout
two weeks
your kidding me
you must have misunderstood me
that normal
wait till you see it
I under estimated
thats extra
looks good to me, everyone else likes it.
it been back ordered
I hate architects
what smell
wow thats a first
my best price is the first one I quoted
normally I charge much more
once the humidity goes down it will be fine
It was fine when I left
what plans
nice Mercedes
oh, we do that last
never noticed that befor
Edited 1/9/2009 10:06 pm ET by gofigure57
GoFig,
There have been some great writeups here. You went the extra yard. Nice list. Very nice. You must have a lot of practice. :-)
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Doctors practice Mel, I am a pro. Heres another,,
Just ignore the dust
No I have not seen the dog, have you mailed that check yet?
code smode, stop worrying
The last one I did was much worse
looks fine to me
Listen to me, you need to calm down, I've been called worse.
Edited 1/10/2009 5:12 am ET by gofigure57
GoFig,
"No I have not seen the dog, have you mailed that check yet?"That has to be the best of the entire lot, although there are a number of great ones. You got a great sense of humor. I'd like to meet you someday, but I don't get to Arlington, TX very much. Is Arlington where Gilley's was?
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel, Could not say where Gilley's was, I do believe there is one in Dallas. I moved here 16 years ago from Longuyland, with my accent down here, a sense of humor is a necessity.
Tom
Tom,
I looked it up. The original Gilley's was in Pasadena, Texas.
I went there once, back in about 1986. Great time.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel, I was just over at the Young woodworker chat thread. I want thank you and David for a splendid exchange , I spat my coffee when I read the words Rev Mel, now that Is funny.
Tom
GoFig,
Glad you enjoyed the exchange oven in "Young Woodworker chat". David gets carried away once in a while. He takes me seriously. I don't. So you got a kick out of "Rev. Mel". Well, this is no joke. I was named afer a Maryknoll missionary, Father Melvin Cowan. Of course, I didn't follow in his footsteps. Have fun,
The Former Rev. MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Like the surgeon said when consulted on an intricate, one of a kind surgery on my grandson, "I've always wanted to do something like that."
Or the lady who said after an installation to her very specific instructions, "That doesn't look right. Can you change it?"
Or, like my Dad always advises for projects involving friends and relatives, "Charge 'em double and tell 'em you'll take half off if they stay out of your way."
Edited 1/9/2009 3:57 pm ET by heartwould
I offer cheap, good and fast. Pick 2.
I can build that. But why would you want me to?
Mike Hennessy
Pittsburgh, PA
Mike,
There was a guy who was the Administrator who coined the term "Better, Faster, Cheaper". When it didn't work, the phrase became "Better, faster, cheaper. Pick two."
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Ok, I'll bid now, and you can choose the hardware later.
There's only one place to get HD prices.. And it's not here.
There's a few pieces that should never be built.. This is one of them.
Mel! Shame on you! Do you kin know you liked George Carlin, the hippy dippy weatherman and comic?
Or was that the 'late' George Carlin?
I loved the early George Carlin and aged as he did, I think we grew old together.
Someplace over the years he got sort of nasty and more what my thinking was!
1- I didn't really mean to say you are a fool. I have Tourette's syndrome.
My response.. I didn't really mean to say you are a fool but that lady at the bar liked you and you did not offer her a drink.
2- You are not the most difficult client I have ever had. But he is recovering well.
My response.. Well, can you make it look pretty at lower cost so I can sell this place?
Will ,
" you are not the most difficult client I have ever had.But he is recovering well"
Dang Will , Now that was funny . A great way to start my morning .
as always Will , thanks for hanging here
regards dusty , almost late for work
WillGeorge,
I always thought George Carlin was a really insightful guy - a person who saw clear to the heart of things. He did get nasty as he got old, but it think it happens to everyone. You are still just a kid. :-)
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel,
think it happens to everyone
Oh NO! Ye mean I'm gonna get nasty when I get old?
Regards,Bob @ Kidderville Acres
A Woodworkers mind should be the sharpest tool in the shop!
Oh, Mel,
You've made a purpleheart Chippendale? Cool! Could you make me an Art Nouveau Bed like that one in the modern furniture book in purpleheart and canarywood? I went to the University of Washington, and purple and gold reign forever!
Kilroy,
Purpleheart and Canarywood.
That sounds great.
We could start a new fad.
This could be bigger than Art Nouveau.
Let's get started.
MelMeasure your output in smiles per board foot.
Mel,
OK you got me interested to look in over here.
Two things never to say:
1. I don't care what all the other guys say I like it !
2. No; go ahead; there is no such thing as a stupid question. ( and then try not to laugh or look suprised )
>You have to have a good sense of humour to work in retail.<
I think I have but I must have the wrong brand. I wind up being the only one in the room laughing. They don't let me work the counter any more. I always wondered why. I can't say I miss it. : )
>Art Nouveau Bed in purpleheart and canarywood<
OK that cinches it I am adding that zebra wood top to my purpleheart work bench you inspired me : )
roc
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